Why this speaks to me this week:

I've done a lot of things in my life I really wish I hadn't. But I didn't know when I did... most of them. I've also said a lot of things I wish I hadn't because I tend to word vomit... a lot. Trying to overcompensate for the lack of personality I think I have? Either way, these things can keep me up at night, running them back over and over, like a song I can't get out of my head...but instead of music, it's regret. 

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I think this is a universal feeling everyone has felt at least once in their life... it doesn't matter how "bad" the thing was, we've all shot our eyes open trying to fall asleep, a thought rushing through us—"why did I say/do that?!" The funny feeling in our stomachs keeping us up longer than we'd like. Guilt creeping up like a notification we don't want to open, but can't ignore. 

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Here's the thing... we can't change what we did. Whether you choose to stay in the feeling of regret or choose to move on, what you did or said stays the same. So why stay in misery? I have to remind myself not to mistake this for justifying what I did, and instead understand it as forgiveness to myself. As human beings, we are constantly changing and evolving as individuals...people in progress. Think about it, will you ever do or say that thing again after the feelings it brought you? Hopefully not. I know it's easier said than done because we learn behaviors that become patterns and it can be extremely hard to break that cycle...but as long as we become aware at some point, we are on the way to forgiveness. 

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We did the best we could with what we had. Every moment we experience brings us more grace with how we carry ourselves. I am so different from who I was even 6 months ago... of course I wish I had done things differently, but I didn't have the same information I have now. And I have to think... if it were the present me in that situation, I would have handled things differently...and that's okay. Think about how you would approach this with your best friend or partner... would you be hard on them? Would you make them feel more guilty? Probably not...so meet yourself with the same kindness and learn to forgive yourself for mistakes that you can and have learned from. 

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I am constantly working on myself, journaling, reading, meditating... but that doesn't mean I won't still make mistakes... and that is why this week I say, I forgive myself.